Boy hiatus

Today's been a really crummy day. I'm so unbelievably disgusted with the opposite sex that I feel like screaming, and crying, and throwing things...expensive things. For the well being of my personal belongings I think I'll just vent here about it instead.

So there's this boy I've been talking to for a couple of MONTHS now. Started off very friendly, went for coffee, movies, dinners, that sort of thing. Strictly platonic...until a couple of weeks ago. It all happened really quickly, I started getting all butterfly-ish when I was around him, we spent every minute we could talking/chatting/hanging out, and this past weekend when he cupped his hands around my face and pulled me in for this amazing-only-in-the-movies kiss, I completely melted. Putty in his hands.

Then this morning I wake up to this email...

Subject: hey there... (really? HEY THERE?)

"hey ash,

past few weeks have been amazing but im afraid i have to come clean about something before i can see you again. im married and i dont think i can keep doing this to my wife. leading you on isnt fair because i know you deserve better. maybe we can just have fun together? im really sorry i feel stupid about everything."




It has taken absolutely everything I have in me not to show up at his work (that I’ve been to SEVERAL times) and cause an Oscar worthy scene in front of everyone. And then key his car on the way out. MARRIED...really? REALLY? And then he's so casual about it... "i dont think i can keep doing this to my wife"..."maybe we can just have fun"...ASSHOLE.

I feel like SUCH an idiot for not seeing through his lies. How the hell did he manage to keep it hidden for so long, lie after lie after lie. I've just been playing back everything he's ever told me back in his head, trying to figure out where I could have possibly caught on. Oh and on top of that it absolutely baffles me to think that he thought that I'd be ok with the situation. KF;'ka;sduifh;alksdnjf;kl

I makes me sick, and it really, really makes me sad because I know that there are SO many other guys out there just like him. I've had the immense pleasure of coming across more than my fair share, and I wonder how much I can really trust anyone I fall for?

I'm officially on boy hiatus.

I don't need the drama, the heartache, and I really don't need the stress.

The next couple of months are going to be completely dedicated to *me*, to getting myself healthy and happy and strong. As completely devastated as I feel right now, this challenge ahead of me gives me hope, and something to look forward to.

Day 1: The Rumbly in My Tumbly

Day one is in the bag.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm constantly thinking about food, planning food, working out calories, and resisting food I'm not allowing myself to have, but HOLY CRAP I have been hungry all freekin day. And it's not like I've been starving myself...I planned out three balanced meals, with healthy snacks every couple of hours. I just can’t shake the feeling that I'm starving. Every time I finished eating I felt as though I hadn't eaten at all, with the exception of dinner.

Right now I'm absolutely ravenous, and as a result I've locked myself up in my room for the night, far, far away from the kitchen. Late night eating is one of my greatest weaknesses.

Anyway, moving on to the positives!

I made it through the entire day without giving in even once, not one teeny tiny little bit. Today even involved a quick run thru the grocery store after work just before dinner time (which would typically be the time when I'd be loading up on all kinds of terrible food and snacks without even thinking twice about it). I even had a mini argument with myself on the way to the check out about how much I wanted to throw in the giant dairy milk bar (with toffee pieces!) into my basket. Ashleigh = 1, Chocolate = 0. I was really proud of myself for that. It would have been so easy to talk myself into eating the entire thing and just starting over again tomorrow, but I didn't and it feels great.

Dinner tonight was really yummy and super quick. I melted some low fat cream cheese, fat free sour cream, delicious chunky salsa and a tiny bit of chicken broth in a pan until it was a lovely gooey mess. Threw in a couple of chicken breasts and popped them in the oven to bake. The results were a tender, moist chicken breast in a cheesy, spicy bath of goodness. I served it with some brown/long grain wild rice, and a side of mixed veggies and it was absolutely delish.

I’m looking forward to getting to the gym tomorrow and picking up a class schedule. Just like the trainer, I think that the classes will push me to levels that I wouldn't necessarily attempt on my own. I'm a little nervous about looking out of place, but I know that these feelings will pass. I've just got to suck it up and give it all I've got.

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