Today's been a really crummy day. I'm so unbelievably disgusted with the opposite sex that I feel like screaming, and crying, and throwing things...expensive things. For the well being of my personal belongings I think I'll just vent here about it instead.
So there's this boy I've been talking to for a couple of MONTHS now. Started off very friendly, went for coffee, movies, dinners, that sort of thing. Strictly platonic...until a couple of weeks ago. It all happened really quickly, I started getting all butterfly-ish when I was around him, we spent every minute we could talking/chatting/hanging out, and this past weekend when he cupped his hands around my face and pulled me in for this amazing-only-in-the-movies kiss, I completely melted. Putty in his hands.
Then this morning I wake up to this email...
Subject: hey there... (really? HEY THERE?)
"hey ash,
past few weeks have been amazing but im afraid i have to come clean about something before i can see you again. im married and i dont think i can keep doing this to my wife. leading you on isnt fair because i know you deserve better. maybe we can just have fun together? im really sorry i feel stupid about everything."
...
...
...
It has taken absolutely everything I have in me not to show up at his work (that I’ve been to SEVERAL times) and cause an Oscar worthy scene in front of everyone. And then key his car on the way out. MARRIED...really? REALLY? And then he's so casual about it... "i dont think i can keep doing this to my wife"..."maybe we can just have fun"...ASSHOLE.
I feel like SUCH an idiot for not seeing through his lies. How the hell did he manage to keep it hidden for so long, lie after lie after lie. I've just been playing back everything he's ever told me back in his head, trying to figure out where I could have possibly caught on. Oh and on top of that it absolutely baffles me to think that he thought that I'd be ok with the situation. KF;'ka;sduifh;alksdnjf;kl
I makes me sick, and it really, really makes me sad because I know that there are SO many other guys out there just like him. I've had the immense pleasure of coming across more than my fair share, and I wonder how much I can really trust anyone I fall for?
I'm officially on boy hiatus.
I don't need the drama, the heartache, and I really don't need the stress.
The next couple of months are going to be completely dedicated to *me*, to getting myself healthy and happy and strong. As completely devastated as I feel right now, this challenge ahead of me gives me hope, and something to look forward to.
Day 1: The Rumbly in My Tumbly
Day one is in the bag.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm constantly thinking about food, planning food, working out calories, and resisting food I'm not allowing myself to have, but HOLY CRAP I have been hungry all freekin day. And it's not like I've been starving myself...I planned out three balanced meals, with healthy snacks every couple of hours. I just can’t shake the feeling that I'm starving. Every time I finished eating I felt as though I hadn't eaten at all, with the exception of dinner.
Right now I'm absolutely ravenous, and as a result I've locked myself up in my room for the night, far, far away from the kitchen. Late night eating is one of my greatest weaknesses.
Anyway, moving on to the positives!
I made it through the entire day without giving in even once, not one teeny tiny little bit. Today even involved a quick run thru the grocery store after work just before dinner time (which would typically be the time when I'd be loading up on all kinds of terrible food and snacks without even thinking twice about it). I even had a mini argument with myself on the way to the check out about how much I wanted to throw in the giant dairy milk bar (with toffee pieces!) into my basket. Ashleigh = 1, Chocolate = 0. I was really proud of myself for that. It would have been so easy to talk myself into eating the entire thing and just starting over again tomorrow, but I didn't and it feels great.
Dinner tonight was really yummy and super quick. I melted some low fat cream cheese, fat free sour cream, delicious chunky salsa and a tiny bit of chicken broth in a pan until it was a lovely gooey mess. Threw in a couple of chicken breasts and popped them in the oven to bake. The results were a tender, moist chicken breast in a cheesy, spicy bath of goodness. I served it with some brown/long grain wild rice, and a side of mixed veggies and it was absolutely delish.
I’m looking forward to getting to the gym tomorrow and picking up a class schedule. Just like the trainer, I think that the classes will push me to levels that I wouldn't necessarily attempt on my own. I'm a little nervous about looking out of place, but I know that these feelings will pass. I've just got to suck it up and give it all I've got.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm constantly thinking about food, planning food, working out calories, and resisting food I'm not allowing myself to have, but HOLY CRAP I have been hungry all freekin day. And it's not like I've been starving myself...I planned out three balanced meals, with healthy snacks every couple of hours. I just can’t shake the feeling that I'm starving. Every time I finished eating I felt as though I hadn't eaten at all, with the exception of dinner.
Right now I'm absolutely ravenous, and as a result I've locked myself up in my room for the night, far, far away from the kitchen. Late night eating is one of my greatest weaknesses.
Anyway, moving on to the positives!
I made it through the entire day without giving in even once, not one teeny tiny little bit. Today even involved a quick run thru the grocery store after work just before dinner time (which would typically be the time when I'd be loading up on all kinds of terrible food and snacks without even thinking twice about it). I even had a mini argument with myself on the way to the check out about how much I wanted to throw in the giant dairy milk bar (with toffee pieces!) into my basket. Ashleigh = 1, Chocolate = 0. I was really proud of myself for that. It would have been so easy to talk myself into eating the entire thing and just starting over again tomorrow, but I didn't and it feels great.
Dinner tonight was really yummy and super quick. I melted some low fat cream cheese, fat free sour cream, delicious chunky salsa and a tiny bit of chicken broth in a pan until it was a lovely gooey mess. Threw in a couple of chicken breasts and popped them in the oven to bake. The results were a tender, moist chicken breast in a cheesy, spicy bath of goodness. I served it with some brown/long grain wild rice, and a side of mixed veggies and it was absolutely delish.
I’m looking forward to getting to the gym tomorrow and picking up a class schedule. Just like the trainer, I think that the classes will push me to levels that I wouldn't necessarily attempt on my own. I'm a little nervous about looking out of place, but I know that these feelings will pass. I've just got to suck it up and give it all I've got.
Let's give this one more try, shall we?
I have no excuses (no legitimate excuses anyway).
I just can't seem to catch on to the blog flow, I always manage to fall out of it just as quickly as I pick it up. I read fitness/weight loss blogs daily and while I read I itch to contribute, to encourage, and I long for the support that certain blogger communities offer. So here we go again.
I've been thinking hard about starting this battle for at least a month now BUT I've managed to put it off by convincing myself it would be far too cliché to start fresh on January 1st. I wasn't going to be another failed new years resolution. Meanwhile back at the ranch all's that I've accomplished in that time is putting myself a month behind schedule. Anyone else feel like that voice in their head is their biggest enemy? Forget the devil my shoulder, I've got a massive fat chick in my head that doesn't ever shut up. She's constantly encouraging me to take another bite, eat another piece, shovel down another serving. She's always offering up new and unique ways for me to avoid exercise..."ex...er..cise? pfff, you don't need to move! look at all the pretty things on tv". I freekin HATE this chick. I'm sounding BEYOND schizophrenic right now, aren't I? lol. But really...it's time for Bessie to get the f@#! out. It's going to be a DAILY battle, but I've never felt more excited to get this done once and for all.
Goal One: 12 Weeks
3 months. 84 days. 2016 hours. Doesn't matter how I break it down, this is the amount of time I've given myself to complete Phase One of Operation Fat Take Down. I'm going to have to call in every single freekin enforcement that I can possibly can. It's going to get messy. There will be unexpected obstacles, sneak attacks, enemy fire. There will be battles that will have to be fought every.single.day. It's not going to be easy, and it is going to hurt, but I know that I'm stronger, and I know that I will succeed. I'm not giving myself any other option.
The weapons I`ve recently acquired:
• A new gym membership (5 minute drive from my house). Since the move I've found it far too easy to talk myself out of going to the previous gym so I cancelled that membership and switched to a new location. I managed to get a better rate than what I was previously paying, a better membership (towel service, and use of any location), and it's a much nicer place (more equipment, women's area, indoor track and basketball court, massive pool and hot tub).
• Personal training sessions. Holy shit they're expensive. I plan to get every single dollar worth. I'm hoping that the fact that I will definitely feel the blow from the cost of each weeks session will motivate me to get the most from it.
• Menu planning and tracking.
• Gym bag packed and loaded (with cute new gym outfit, lulu water bottle, freshly loaded ipod, and my favourite runners).
I plan on elaborating on my goals for this week in tomorrows post but just so they`re already documented here for me (and so Bessie can`t talk me into putting them off for one more day) I`ll include them here.
- Absolutely no restaurant food. This is a HUGE one for me. My current pattern of eating has me eating out at least one meal per day. While I'm not always making terrible choices, I want to see how well I can control my eating on my own terms. Doing without Subway is going to be my biggest challenge. I'm seriously considering leaving my debit card at home so that I have absolutely no way to purchase food, but I'm going to test my will power first.
-Hitting the gym 4 out of the 7 days. (Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday)
-Write down absolutely everything that goes into my mouth. I downloaded the Lose It app for my ipod touch, I'm going to try using that to see how it goes, but I think I'm also going to write everything down in a small journal so that I can keep a record, and document my internal battles a little better.
Buckle your seatbelts, here we go!
I just can't seem to catch on to the blog flow, I always manage to fall out of it just as quickly as I pick it up. I read fitness/weight loss blogs daily and while I read I itch to contribute, to encourage, and I long for the support that certain blogger communities offer. So here we go again.
I've been thinking hard about starting this battle for at least a month now BUT I've managed to put it off by convincing myself it would be far too cliché to start fresh on January 1st. I wasn't going to be another failed new years resolution. Meanwhile back at the ranch all's that I've accomplished in that time is putting myself a month behind schedule. Anyone else feel like that voice in their head is their biggest enemy? Forget the devil my shoulder, I've got a massive fat chick in my head that doesn't ever shut up. She's constantly encouraging me to take another bite, eat another piece, shovel down another serving. She's always offering up new and unique ways for me to avoid exercise..."ex...er..cise? pfff, you don't need to move! look at all the pretty things on tv". I freekin HATE this chick. I'm sounding BEYOND schizophrenic right now, aren't I? lol. But really...it's time for Bessie to get the f@#! out. It's going to be a DAILY battle, but I've never felt more excited to get this done once and for all.
Goal One: 12 Weeks
3 months. 84 days. 2016 hours. Doesn't matter how I break it down, this is the amount of time I've given myself to complete Phase One of Operation Fat Take Down. I'm going to have to call in every single freekin enforcement that I can possibly can. It's going to get messy. There will be unexpected obstacles, sneak attacks, enemy fire. There will be battles that will have to be fought every.single.day. It's not going to be easy, and it is going to hurt, but I know that I'm stronger, and I know that I will succeed. I'm not giving myself any other option.
The weapons I`ve recently acquired:
• A new gym membership (5 minute drive from my house). Since the move I've found it far too easy to talk myself out of going to the previous gym so I cancelled that membership and switched to a new location. I managed to get a better rate than what I was previously paying, a better membership (towel service, and use of any location), and it's a much nicer place (more equipment, women's area, indoor track and basketball court, massive pool and hot tub).
• Personal training sessions. Holy shit they're expensive. I plan to get every single dollar worth. I'm hoping that the fact that I will definitely feel the blow from the cost of each weeks session will motivate me to get the most from it.
• Menu planning and tracking.
• Gym bag packed and loaded (with cute new gym outfit, lulu water bottle, freshly loaded ipod, and my favourite runners).
I plan on elaborating on my goals for this week in tomorrows post but just so they`re already documented here for me (and so Bessie can`t talk me into putting them off for one more day) I`ll include them here.
- Absolutely no restaurant food. This is a HUGE one for me. My current pattern of eating has me eating out at least one meal per day. While I'm not always making terrible choices, I want to see how well I can control my eating on my own terms. Doing without Subway is going to be my biggest challenge. I'm seriously considering leaving my debit card at home so that I have absolutely no way to purchase food, but I'm going to test my will power first.
-Hitting the gym 4 out of the 7 days. (Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday)
-Write down absolutely everything that goes into my mouth. I downloaded the Lose It app for my ipod touch, I'm going to try using that to see how it goes, but I think I'm also going to write everything down in a small journal so that I can keep a record, and document my internal battles a little better.
Buckle your seatbelts, here we go!
Zzzzzzz
I'm exhausted.
I've actually just gotten over the h1n1 virus. It sucked just about all the life and energy I had in me. I spent a week straight in bed. High fever, whole body shakes, chills, headache, nausea, and an old man chest cough.
Tomorrow is my first day back to work and ...I dont wannnnna :(
It will be good to get back into a proper routine again.
Being sick sure made healthy eating a lot easier. I went crazy with the liquids to stay hydrated, ate teeny tiny meals whenever I could stomach it (which usually involved Mom's homemade chicken soup).
I'm going to try and ease into things this week, keeping my meals small, and drinking the h2o all day long. I've given myself until this weekend to figure out what meal plan I'm going to follow, what methods I'm going to use to get this weight off. Being sick definitely gave me the kick start I needed. I can't wait to feel completely healthy again. Each day, I'm getting closer.
I've actually just gotten over the h1n1 virus. It sucked just about all the life and energy I had in me. I spent a week straight in bed. High fever, whole body shakes, chills, headache, nausea, and an old man chest cough.
Tomorrow is my first day back to work and ...I dont wannnnna :(
It will be good to get back into a proper routine again.
Being sick sure made healthy eating a lot easier. I went crazy with the liquids to stay hydrated, ate teeny tiny meals whenever I could stomach it (which usually involved Mom's homemade chicken soup).
I'm going to try and ease into things this week, keeping my meals small, and drinking the h2o all day long. I've given myself until this weekend to figure out what meal plan I'm going to follow, what methods I'm going to use to get this weight off. Being sick definitely gave me the kick start I needed. I can't wait to feel completely healthy again. Each day, I'm getting closer.
20-Things-Tuesday...things that make me ridiculously happy :)
Clean sheets!
Especially those that have been hung to dry on the clothes line on a warm summer day.
I would change my sheets daily if it weren't for the fact that it would be next to impossible to get me out of bed every morning.
Especially those that have been hung to dry on the clothes line on a warm summer day.
I would change my sheets daily if it weren't for the fact that it would be next to impossible to get me out of bed every morning.
Driving with the windows down, the radio up, while singing my heart out.
Maybe even a steering wheel drum solo, or ten. Just those hardcore good driving days that make me feel like I haven't a care in the world.
Finding the last item of clothing, in my size, 50 % off.
Forehead kisses.
Random, unexpected texts/emails.
Afternoon naps. Just 'cause.
Especially on cold, rainy days. Or when I should be doing absolutely anything else but napping. It's always the best when you shouldn't be doing it.
Reading a good book.
Knowing I should really put it down and go to sleep, but not being able to because just! one! more! page!!
Animal print.
I know it can be tacky, but I just can't resist it. Come to mama.
Red wine glow.
The warm, cozy, glowy feeling you get after finishing a glass of red. Mmm.
Hot steamy showers.
Watching my skin turn bright red with the temperature of the water.
Checking off things on my 'to-do lists'
Sometimes I even add things I've already accomplished, or are a complete given...just so I can scratch it off. (i.e. breathe oxygen).
Watching peoples reactions after taking the first bite of my cooking.
Only when it's good. Thankfully, its usually good. lol.
Belly laughs.
Laughing so ridiculously hard, that your stomach muscles feel like they're on fire, and you can barely breathe, let alone laugh any more.
Kitchen dance parties.
They can't typically be planned (however, sometimes this method works). But the best kitchen dance parties are typically random, and spur of the moment, and take place between 1-4am.
Random road trips with friends.
(with the windows down, music blasting...naturally)
Getting the perfect shot, SOOC
Sure photoshop is my friend, and I love the retouching process, but there's nothing quite like getting just the perfect shot you were aiming for without any adjustments required.
Sitting around the kitchen table till early in the morning.
Especially at the cottage, with my famjam, and bestests. The best storytelling goes down then.
SHOES!
In all shapes, and styles and colours. But especially these ones. *drool*
Head/Scalp Massages
I would get my hair done weekly if I could afford it, simply for the shampoo/scalp massage that accompanies it. I chose my stylist simply on their ability to massage my head. LOVE.
Traveling
Near or far, short trips or long stays. Destination is irrelevant. I love exploring new places, meeting new people, and experiencing new things. I could spend hours scouring the web planning dream vacations. Just knowing there's a vacation in the works is enough to get me through the week.
Maybe even a steering wheel drum solo, or ten. Just those hardcore good driving days that make me feel like I haven't a care in the world.
Finding the last item of clothing, in my size, 50 % off.
Forehead kisses.
Random, unexpected texts/emails.
Afternoon naps. Just 'cause.
Especially on cold, rainy days. Or when I should be doing absolutely anything else but napping. It's always the best when you shouldn't be doing it.
Reading a good book.
Knowing I should really put it down and go to sleep, but not being able to because just! one! more! page!!
Animal print.
I know it can be tacky, but I just can't resist it. Come to mama.
Red wine glow.
The warm, cozy, glowy feeling you get after finishing a glass of red. Mmm.
Hot steamy showers.
Watching my skin turn bright red with the temperature of the water.
Checking off things on my 'to-do lists'
Sometimes I even add things I've already accomplished, or are a complete given...just so I can scratch it off. (i.e. breathe oxygen).
Watching peoples reactions after taking the first bite of my cooking.
Only when it's good. Thankfully, its usually good. lol.
Belly laughs.
Laughing so ridiculously hard, that your stomach muscles feel like they're on fire, and you can barely breathe, let alone laugh any more.
Kitchen dance parties.
They can't typically be planned (however, sometimes this method works). But the best kitchen dance parties are typically random, and spur of the moment, and take place between 1-4am.
Random road trips with friends.
(with the windows down, music blasting...naturally)
Getting the perfect shot, SOOC
Sure photoshop is my friend, and I love the retouching process, but there's nothing quite like getting just the perfect shot you were aiming for without any adjustments required.
Sitting around the kitchen table till early in the morning.
Especially at the cottage, with my famjam, and bestests. The best storytelling goes down then.
SHOES!
In all shapes, and styles and colours. But especially these ones. *drool*
Head/Scalp MassagesI would get my hair done weekly if I could afford it, simply for the shampoo/scalp massage that accompanies it. I chose my stylist simply on their ability to massage my head. LOVE.
Traveling
Near or far, short trips or long stays. Destination is irrelevant. I love exploring new places, meeting new people, and experiencing new things. I could spend hours scouring the web planning dream vacations. Just knowing there's a vacation in the works is enough to get me through the week.
Peekaboo
So funny how days turn into weeks, and weeks into months and then all of a sudden -holy crap - it's NOVEMBER!
I've abandoned my little corner of the blogosphere, but I'm here now...down on one knee, begging for forgiveness. "I just didn't mean it baby".
Truth is, my blog and my "real life" happened to collide. I panicked. "Surely I can't let people in my real life know that I'm FAT and that I've been writing a WEIGHT LOSS BLOG". Unfortunately it's taken me about nine months to realize that...well...people in my real life...HAVE EYEBALLS. I'm not fooling anyone. I don't have to live some *hidden* weightloss double life. I kindof wanna embrace it, and encourage it. Sure it's a lot easier to come clean when you're hidden behind anonymity, but this could be good too.
I was going to put off writing again tonight but I thought that since today is the first day of NOVEMBER (wtf?) making it officially NaBloPoMo (http://www.nablopomo.com/), it would be really good motivation to get my butt in gear and get writing once again. Everyday. For an entire month. (...which isn't sounding like such a great idea now that it's out of my la-la-head). Regardless. I'm doing it.
:)
I've abandoned my little corner of the blogosphere, but I'm here now...down on one knee, begging for forgiveness. "I just didn't mean it baby".
Truth is, my blog and my "real life" happened to collide. I panicked. "Surely I can't let people in my real life know that I'm FAT and that I've been writing a WEIGHT LOSS BLOG". Unfortunately it's taken me about nine months to realize that...well...people in my real life...HAVE EYEBALLS. I'm not fooling anyone. I don't have to live some *hidden* weightloss double life. I kindof wanna embrace it, and encourage it. Sure it's a lot easier to come clean when you're hidden behind anonymity, but this could be good too.
I was going to put off writing again tonight but I thought that since today is the first day of NOVEMBER (wtf?) making it officially NaBloPoMo (http://www.nablopomo.com/), it would be really good motivation to get my butt in gear and get writing once again. Everyday. For an entire month. (...which isn't sounding like such a great idea now that it's out of my la-la-head). Regardless. I'm doing it.
:)
Mexican Math
A wonderful missmash of fresh veggies (aka what I had in the fridge @ the time). Chopped up in itty bitty pieces.+
Smoky pork tenderloin - marinated in a rub of smoky cumin, chili powder, adobo, paprika, and a pinch of salt. Seared in a pan, then baked @350 for 45mins. Let stand for 20. Slice er up and throw back in the pan with some more of the rub seasoning and a little stock.+
2 ripe avocados (pic borrowed from google, cause they were forgotten in the veggie pic, oops) mashed up and mixed with the chopped veggies.=
They-don't-call-it-TENDER-loin-for-nothing-tacos.Plated on a light tortilla wrap, guac-salsa, fat free sour cream, and some shredded cheddar.
Seriously these things MELT in your mouth. It worked out to about 10pts for this big boy cause I stuffed him up good, but OH so filling. I don't get why people eat at places like taco bell when faux-mexican is SO easy to create at home, and it sure tastes a hell of a lot better.
:P
