Bringing Skinny Back

Boy hiatus

2010-02-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

Today's been a really crummy day. I'm so unbelievably disgusted with the opposite sex that I feel like screaming, and crying, and throwing things...expensive things. For the well being of my personal belongings I think I'll just vent here about it instead.

So there's this boy I've been talking to for a couple of MONTHS now. Started off very friendly, went for coffee, movies, dinners, that sort of thing. Strictly platonic...until a couple of weeks ago. It all happened really quickly, I started getting all butterfly-ish when I was around him, we spent every minute we could talking/chatting/hanging out, and this past weekend when he cupped his hands around my face and pulled me in for this amazing-only-in-the-movies kiss, I completely melted. Putty in his hands.

Then this morning I wake up to this email...

Subject: hey there... (really? HEY THERE?)

"hey ash,

past few weeks have been amazing but im afraid i have to come clean about something before i can see you again. im married and i dont think i can keep doing this to my wife. leading you on isnt fair because i know you deserve better. maybe we can just have fun together? im really sorry i feel stupid about everything."

...

...

...

It has taken absolutely everything I have in me not to show up at his work (that I’ve been to SEVERAL times) and cause an Oscar worthy scene in front of everyone. And then key his car on the way out. MARRIED...really? REALLY? And then he's so casual about it... "i dont think i can keep doing this to my wife"..."maybe we can just have fun"...ASSHOLE.

I feel like SUCH an idiot for not seeing through his lies. How the hell did he manage to keep it hidden for so long, lie after lie after lie. I've just been playing back everything he's ever told me back in his head, trying to figure out where I could have possibly caught on. Oh and on top of that it absolutely baffles me to think that he thought that I'd be ok with the situation. KF;'ka;sduifh;alksdnjf;kl

I makes me sick, and it really, really makes me sad because I know that there are SO many other guys out there just like him. I've had the immense pleasure of coming across more than my fair share, and I wonder how much I can really trust anyone I fall for?

I'm officially on boy hiatus.

I don't need the drama, the heartache, and I really don't need the stress.

The next couple of months are going to be completely dedicated to *me*, to getting myself healthy and happy and strong. As completely devastated as I feel right now, this challenge ahead of me gives me hope, and something to look forward to.

Day 1: The Rumbly in My Tumbly

2010-02-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

Day one is in the bag.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm constantly thinking about food, planning food, working out calories, and resisting food I'm not allowing myself to have, but HOLY CRAP I have been hungry all freekin day. And it's not like I've been starving myself...I planned out three balanced meals, with healthy snacks every couple of hours. I just can’t shake the feeling that I'm starving. Every time I finished eating I felt as though I hadn't eaten at all, with the exception of dinner.

Right now I'm absolutely ravenous, and as a result I've locked myself up in my room for the night, far, far away from the kitchen. Late night eating is one of my greatest weaknesses.

Anyway, moving on to the positives!

I made it through the entire day without giving in even once, not one teeny tiny little bit. Today even involved a quick run thru the grocery store after work just before dinner time (which would typically be the time when I'd be loading up on all kinds of terrible food and snacks without even thinking twice about it). I even had a mini argument with myself on the way to the check out about how much I wanted to throw in the giant dairy milk bar (with toffee pieces!) into my basket. Ashleigh = 1, Chocolate = 0. I was really proud of myself for that. It would have been so easy to talk myself into eating the entire thing and just starting over again tomorrow, but I didn't and it feels great.

Dinner tonight was really yummy and super quick. I melted some low fat cream cheese, fat free sour cream, delicious chunky salsa and a tiny bit of chicken broth in a pan until it was a lovely gooey mess. Threw in a couple of chicken breasts and popped them in the oven to bake. The results were a tender, moist chicken breast in a cheesy, spicy bath of goodness. I served it with some brown/long grain wild rice, and a side of mixed veggies and it was absolutely delish.

I’m looking forward to getting to the gym tomorrow and picking up a class schedule. Just like the trainer, I think that the classes will push me to levels that I wouldn't necessarily attempt on my own. I'm a little nervous about looking out of place, but I know that these feelings will pass. I've just got to suck it up and give it all I've got.

Let's give this one more try, shall we?

2010-01-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

I have no excuses (no legitimate excuses anyway).

I just can't seem to catch on to the blog flow, I always manage to fall out of it just as quickly as I pick it up. I read fitness/weight loss blogs daily and while I read I itch to contribute, to encourage, and I long for the support that certain blogger communities offer. So here we go again.

I've been thinking hard about starting this battle for at least a month now BUT I've managed to put it off by convincing myself it would be far too cliché to start fresh on January 1st. I wasn't going to be another failed new years resolution. Meanwhile back at the ranch all's that I've accomplished in that time is putting myself a month behind schedule. Anyone else feel like that voice in their head is their biggest enemy? Forget the devil my shoulder, I've got a massive fat chick in my head that doesn't ever shut up. She's constantly encouraging me to take another bite, eat another piece, shovel down another serving. She's always offering up new and unique ways for me to avoid exercise..."ex...er..cise? pfff, you don't need to move! look at all the pretty things on tv". I freekin HATE this chick. I'm sounding BEYOND schizophrenic right now, aren't I? lol. But really...it's time for Bessie to get the f@#! out. It's going to be a DAILY battle, but I've never felt more excited to get this done once and for all.

Goal One: 12 Weeks

3 months. 84 days. 2016 hours. Doesn't matter how I break it down, this is the amount of time I've given myself to complete Phase One of Operation Fat Take Down. I'm going to have to call in every single freekin enforcement that I can possibly can. It's going to get messy. There will be unexpected obstacles, sneak attacks, enemy fire. There will be battles that will have to be fought every.single.day. It's not going to be easy, and it is going to hurt, but I know that I'm stronger, and I know that I will succeed. I'm not giving myself any other option.

The weapons I`ve recently acquired:

• A new gym membership (5 minute drive from my house). Since the move I've found it far too easy to talk myself out of going to the previous gym so I cancelled that membership and switched to a new location. I managed to get a better rate than what I was previously paying, a better membership (towel service, and use of any location), and it's a much nicer place (more equipment, women's area, indoor track and basketball court, massive pool and hot tub).
• Personal training sessions. Holy shit they're expensive. I plan to get every single dollar worth. I'm hoping that the fact that I will definitely feel the blow from the cost of each weeks session will motivate me to get the most from it.
• Menu planning and tracking.
• Gym bag packed and loaded (with cute new gym outfit, lulu water bottle, freshly loaded ipod, and my favourite runners).

I plan on elaborating on my goals for this week in tomorrows post but just so they`re already documented here for me (and so Bessie can`t talk me into putting them off for one more day) I`ll include them here.

- Absolutely no restaurant food. This is a HUGE one for me. My current pattern of eating has me eating out at least one meal per day. While I'm not always making terrible choices, I want to see how well I can control my eating on my own terms. Doing without Subway is going to be my biggest challenge. I'm seriously considering leaving my debit card at home so that I have absolutely no way to purchase food, but I'm going to test my will power first.

-Hitting the gym 4 out of the 7 days. (Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday)

-Write down absolutely everything that goes into my mouth. I downloaded the Lose It app for my ipod touch, I'm going to try using that to see how it goes, but I think I'm also going to write everything down in a small journal so that I can keep a record, and document my internal battles a little better.

Buckle your seatbelts, here we go!

Zzzzzzz

2009-11-03T20:20:00.001-08:00

I'm exhausted.

I've actually just gotten over the h1n1 virus. It sucked just about all the life and energy I had in me. I spent a week straight in bed. High fever, whole body shakes, chills, headache, nausea, and an old man chest cough.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work and ...I dont wannnnna :(

It will be good to get back into a proper routine again.

Being sick sure made healthy eating a lot easier. I went crazy with the liquids to stay hydrated, ate teeny tiny meals whenever I could stomach it (which usually involved Mom's homemade chicken soup).

I'm going to try and ease into things this week, keeping my meals small, and drinking the h2o all day long. I've given myself until this weekend to figure out what meal plan I'm going to follow, what methods I'm going to use to get this weight off. Being sick definitely gave me the kick start I needed. I can't wait to feel completely healthy again. Each day, I'm getting closer.

20-Things-Tuesday...things that make me ridiculously happy :)

2009-11-02T11:23:00.000-08:00

Clean sheets!
Especially those that have been hung to dry on the clothes line on a warm summer day.
I would change my sheets daily if it weren't for the fact that it would be next to impossible to get me out of bed every morning.

Driving with the windows down, the radio up, while singing my heart out.
Maybe even a steering wheel drum solo, or ten. Just those hardcore good driving days that make me feel like I haven't a care in the world.

Finding the last item of clothing, in my size, 50 % off.

Forehead kisses.

Random, unexpected texts/emails.

Afternoon naps. Just 'cause.
Especially on cold, rainy days. Or when I should be doing absolutely anything else but napping. It's always the best when you shouldn't be doing it.

Reading a good book.
Knowing I should really put it down and go to sleep, but not being able to because just! one! more! page!!

Animal print.
I know it can be tacky, but I just can't resist it. Come to mama.

Red wine glow.
The warm, cozy, glowy feeling you get after finishing a glass of red. Mmm.

Hot steamy showers.
Watching my skin turn bright red with the temperature of the water.

Checking off things on my 'to-do lists'
Sometimes I even add things I've already accomplished, or are a complete given...just so I can scratch it off. (i.e. breathe oxygen).

Watching peoples reactions after taking the first bite of my cooking.
Only when it's good. Thankfully, its usually good. lol.

Belly laughs.
Laughing so ridiculously hard, that your stomach muscles feel like they're on fire, and you can barely breathe, let alone laugh any more.

Kitchen dance parties.
They can't typically be planned (however, sometimes this method works). But the best kitchen dance parties are typically random, and spur of the moment, and take place between 1-4am.

Random road trips with friends.
(with the windows down, music blasting...naturally)

Getting the perfect shot, SOOC
Sure photoshop is my friend, and I love the retouching process, but there's nothing quite like getting just the perfect shot you were aiming for without any adjustments required.

Sitting around the kitchen table till early in the morning.
Especially at the cottage, with my famjam, and bestests. The best storytelling goes down then.

SHOES!
In all shapes, and styles and colours. But especially these ones. *drool*
Head/Scalp Massages
I would get my hair done weekly if I could afford it, simply for the shampoo/scalp massage that accompanies it. I chose my stylist simply on their ability to massage my head. LOVE.

Traveling
Near or far, short trips or long stays. Destination is irrelevant. I love exploring new places, meeting new people, and experiencing new things. I could spend hours scouring the web planning dream vacations. Just knowing there's a vacation in the works is enough to get me through the week.

Peekaboo

2009-11-01T17:43:00.000-08:00

So funny how days turn into weeks, and weeks into months and then all of a sudden -holy crap - it's NOVEMBER!

I've abandoned my little corner of the blogosphere, but I'm here now...down on one knee, begging for forgiveness. "I just didn't mean it baby".

Truth is, my blog and my "real life" happened to collide. I panicked. "Surely I can't let people in my real life know that I'm FAT and that I've been writing a WEIGHT LOSS BLOG". Unfortunately it's taken me about nine months to realize that...well...people in my real life...HAVE EYEBALLS. I'm not fooling anyone. I don't have to live some *hidden* weightloss double life. I kindof wanna embrace it, and encourage it. Sure it's a lot easier to come clean when you're hidden behind anonymity, but this could be good too.

I was going to put off writing again tonight but I thought that since today is the first day of NOVEMBER (wtf?) making it officially NaBloPoMo (http://www.nablopomo.com/), it would be really good motivation to get my butt in gear and get writing once again. Everyday. For an entire month. (...which isn't sounding like such a great idea now that it's out of my la-la-head). Regardless. I'm doing it.

:)

Mexican Math

2009-02-11T13:40:00.000-08:00

A wonderful missmash of fresh veggies (aka what I had in the fridge @ the time). Chopped up in itty bitty pieces.

+

Smoky pork tenderloin - marinated in a rub of smoky cumin, chili powder, adobo, paprika, and a pinch of salt. Seared in a pan, then baked @350 for 45mins. Let stand for 20. Slice er up and throw back in the pan with some more of the rub seasoning and a little stock.

+
2 ripe avocados (pic borrowed from google, cause they were forgotten in the veggie pic, oops) mashed up and mixed with the chopped veggies.

=
They-don't-call-it-TENDER-loin-for-nothing-tacos.

Plated on a light tortilla wrap, guac-salsa, fat free sour cream, and some shredded cheddar.

Seriously these things MELT in your mouth. It worked out to about 10pts for this big boy cause I stuffed him up good, but OH so filling. I don't get why people eat at places like taco bell when faux-mexican is SO easy to create at home, and it sure tastes a hell of a lot better.

hides head in shame

2009-02-06T06:24:00.000-08:00

+1.2

Grrrr

It won't be back for long. I have plans to dance it off tonite.

Operation Finish Day with Five Points: SUCCESSFUL

2009-01-29T13:59:00.000-08:00

**ahem...not counting the four flex points I spent on two glasses of red wine. (I'm no masochist).

Food for the rest of the night consisted of:

Zero Point Garden Veggie Soup

Half a bag of 96% fat-free popcorn

1 Boca burger w/salsa

1 cup of green beans (w/ a point worth of butter)

1 Sugar free fudgesicle.

I'm so freekin proud.

Typically I would have told myself to screw it and eat whatever else I felt like since OBVIOUSLY I had already sabotaged the entire day. Not so, inner fatty! I like coming out victorious. ;)

Also I need to print this and paste it to my fridge:

Ice cream is my arch nemesis. It wouldn't be a problem if we had some low fat (not NON-FLAVOUR) varieties @ the grocery store. The best I can find are the Skinny Cow ice cream bars (which at $7/box will have to be reserved for special occasions).

I'm finding it difficult to stick to my planned meals when the rest of the famjam is still eating horribly. I find myself having ten minute conversations (with myself) about whether I should eat the left over pizza in the fridge, or NOT eat the left over pizza. Eat it? Don't eat it? And I go back and forth highlighting the pros and cons and the repercussions I'll face if I just eat the freekin pizza already. It's kind of exhausting. I'm hoping that with time, it too will pass. (Before I have to check myself in to a mental facility anyway).

Enough Negative Nancy. On the other side of the spectrum I'm having a FANTASTIC time with my work outs. When I leave the gym I feel SO energized...and then I go home and go to bed. I wish I could change my work out times to the am, but a 5am wake up call definitely isn't going to work for me right now. Um...or ever...lol.

I can't believe its already time to weigh in again tomorrow. The weeks are FLYING by.

:S

2009-01-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

I just had a fight with a box of 100 Calorie Pak M&Ms

The M&M's won.

All SEVEN packages are now residing ever so happily in my belly.

I have 5 points left to last me till the end of the day. OH JOY!

Long Overdue

2009-01-26T13:50:00.000-08:00

In the past two weeks I have:

1. Been robbed at gun point @ work.

2. Reunited with an ex.

3. Started dating 'The Ex'.

4. 'The Ex' once again became 'The Ex(squared)'

5. Been involved in a minor car accident.

6. Went without heat for a week and a half while my furnace was replaced. In this weather:

7. Lost 8 lbs!

As easy as it could have been, I haven't lost focus. I think the 'near death experience' really opened my eyes, and helped me see that I haven't veeb living my life to the fullest.
I've let so many experiences and opportunites pass me by because of my weight, (but mainly my insecurities about my weight) that I really haven't been living at all.
Sure I go through the motions, but I'm not being truthful to myself. That's what I want to accomplish the most out off all this: I want to be my true self. I don't want anything to hold me back.
Its sort of how I've realized that losing weight isn't really the dreaded task I've been putting off for so long, rather, its so completely freeing. I can compare it to how amazing I feel after I gut through my house, getting rid of all the unwanted junk and garbage. And really, that's EXACTLY what I'm doing with my body.

I've been really lame at keeping this blog updated and encouraging my teammates, but I really have had a lot on my plate. Things seem to be settling down, at least the stress levels aren't so high, so I plan on devoting a lot more time updating. .
Altbough I haven't been posting, I've still been reading the blogroll and I'm amazed at how well some people are doing. I totally thought I had this contest in the bag!

Haha I'm definitely gonna have to kick it up a few knotches!

insert profanity here

2009-01-20T16:10:00.000-08:00

This week has been the craziest, most emotional, life changing freekin rollercoaster ride in recent history.

I don't have much time right now, but I'll update 2moro.

I am however down 6.4 lbs...which I'm quite happy with.

Here's hoping tomorrow brings with it some normalacy, cause holy crap I could use it.

Do they make Diet Coke patches?

2009-01-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

Based on yesterdays MASSIVE headache, and all the episodes of "Intervention" I've been watching lately, I've come to the conclusion that Diet Coke has been doing some crazy messed up things to my body.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit but prior to this Sunday past I have been drinking about 5-6 cans of Diet Coke...daily. I don't know what it is about the dark, caffeine-y goodness of a cold glass of DC, but I absolutely love it. I'm not a huge coffee fan (unless there's liquor in it), and I'll drink tea on occasion to warm myself up, but DC was my daily caffeine burst. It was what I drank when I needed a little 'wake up'. I know that diet pop is a freebie on WW, but I've always known in the back of my head that it REALLY isn't good for me. Not to mention all the statistics and studies linking aspartame to cancer, and PREVENTING weight loss. So I quit it.

And then the lack of caffeine KICKED MY ASS. It kicked my ass SO hard I didn't even get out of bed yesterday. That's messed up, right?

I'm feeling a little better today, all though the headache still hangin out, and making itself at home. I'm filling up on H20 instead, drinking as much as I possibly can without having to attach a permanent catheter...cause OMG, PEE MUCH?

I'm sure my body's just in a mass state of hysteria wondering what the heck is going on, and why all of I sudden I'm actually treating it properly. I'm hoping it won't take much longer to adjust.

Today's Menu!

Breakfast: 1 Slice of Light Rye Bread - 1 whole egg + one white - 1 oz of cheddar - tsp of margarine.

Snack: 2 small clementines

Lunch: 2 Blue menu chicken strips mixed with lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber, on 2 small whole wheat tortillas. Drizzle of Cal-wise Ranchers Choice on each. Side of Cucumber and salad dressing for dipping.

Snack: A big juicy plum

Dinner: Fresh Salmon fillet (baked on cedar plank w/Dijon mustard), side of chicken flavoured wild rice, and steamed broccoli

ouch

2009-01-13T11:09:00.000-08:00

Homework = accomplished!

Stayed with in my meal points, incorporating an abundence of fresh fruits and veggies = check!

Busted ass at the gym = check!

Suffering from the absolute WORST headache I've experienced in ~~YEARS~~ EVER! = check, check!

Weekend Homework

2009-01-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

Homework....what a dirty word *shudder*

However, I thought I'd jot a list of things I wanted to accomplish this weekend so that when things start full throttle on Monday I'll be MORE than ready.

Ashleigh's List of Things She Needs to Accomplish This Weekend So That She Has No Excuses When it Comes To Kicking Ass on Monday!

1) Get the Ipod loaded and ready to go!

After bidding farwell to Old Faithful (my first generation ipod purchased eyonds ago) to Apple heaven, I purchased one of these shiney hot pink badboys on Boxing Day. His name is Henry. Henry and I are going to be GREAT friends.

2) Plan the CRAP out of my meals for next week.

This really, really isn't appealing to me...BUT with all the great resources I have now (aka over a hundred blogs with PICTURES and RECIPIES, and HEALTHY MEAL PLANS) thanks to the blbe2 challenge...I really have no excuse.

3.) Get to the gym and renew my gym memebership.

My yearly membership expired about a month ago, while I've still been able to use it month to month basis, I think committing to a new year will help me stay motivated. That and I'm pretty sure they'll throw in a few free months. (Oooh look, losing weight is saving me EVEN MORE MONEY).

4. )Pick up a copy of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.

To some she's a scary-workout-slave driver, to me? SHE'S AMAZING. The boot-camp-in-your-face style TOTALLY does it for me. I hope I'll still be singing her praises after day one. Eeek?

5.) Pick up a new lunch bag, and lunch holding....materials??

If I'm going to have to bring my lunch to work/school, I'm going to have to have a cute lunch bag. I really like the "lunch bento" box idea...and there's a lot of inspiration on flickr. Perhaps I'll give it a shot.

I'm sure theres a million other things I can think of, but as long as I get these things accomplished I think I'll be good on Monday. Dun Dun Dun...the dreaded Monday...except this time it really feels different, y'know?

Preppin for the big race ;)

2009-01-09T09:37:00.000-08:00

So it's already been a couple of days since my first post.

I've sort of been taking the time to mentally prep myself for the task that I'm about to take on (and to get in as many calories as I possibly can). I wish I completely kidding. I seem to be treating every meal as if it's going to be my last, which I know isn't true. If I plan my points, and increase the activity points, I know I can still eat the things I love. What it needs to come down to though is, since this is A 'lifestyle' change...do I really need to continue eating the things I love (but are generally bad for me), or do I need to modify and change the things I love? I know the answer...it's just hard to admit.

I've already made a rather big change this week in bringing my lunch to work. This is HUGE for me. Even all through high school I was a cafeteria girl. The thought of planning out what I want to eat, preparing it the night before (because GOD FORBID I wake up any earlier than is completely necessary!) and then trekking it to work in tupperware and ziplocks that I'm sure I'll lose/misplace/forget to bring home...then keeping cold or reheating the meal...*shudder* get thee to the nearest drivethru. HOWEVER, this week really hasn't been that bad. I've only abandoned my lunch in the fridge ONCE in favour of hitting up Subway with a co-worker. Not to mention with the money I've saved already I could easily pay for my monthly gym membership, or if we're gonna be realistic here...a new pair of shoes!

I'm beyond ecstatic to be part of TEAM ANGIE (FTW!). I've got a few hours this afternoon that I plan on devoting to getting to know my team a bit better, and checkin out the competition ;)

Happy Friday to all!

So it begins!

2009-01-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

So I`ve contemplated for a looooong time whether or not I was going to completely put myself out here.

Do I want the entire blogosphere to have access to my weight…to my ‘before’ pictures…to my inner most thoughts and feelings? Umm HELLS NO. However, I’ve been fighting this battle for so long on my own. I think this platform is EXACTLY what I need for a push, for strength, and most importantly for accountability.

I’ve been reading weight loss blogs for SO long now, following so many amazing women (and even some men) dedicate their lives to weight loss and SUCCEED. I’d read these blogs (often times on my lunch break, all the while shovelling something dripping in grease down my throat) and I’d think ‘dude, I can TOTALLY do this’…and then I’d eat another Big Mac and all ambitions were lost.

Have you ever heard the saying “she carries her weight well?” well I’ve totally had myself convinced that I’ve being doing exactly this. Apparently I’ve been carrying around an extra 124 pounds in my ‘back pocket’. I believed that since I was still getting hit on at the bar, being complemented, never teased or mocked about my weight that maybe I was cheating the scale. Amazing right?

One thing I could never explain were the pictures that would constantly show up, (often times in the form of ‘tagged’ pics on facebook) and I’d think MY GOD who is that blimp? Maybe the camera really DOES add 10(0) lbs

I’m done lying, I’m done hiding, and I’m done not being the absolute BEST I can be.

BLBE2 – exciting stuff right? I watched first season go down and I was SO impressed with how much work was put into it. Angie deserves a friggin medal with all the time and encouragement she’s devoted to this contest. And Michelle (the blbe1 winner) for totally bustin’ her butt and losing 10% of her body weight in 15 weeks, amazing! The support, the camaraderie, the motivation, its palpable and I want in!

I have a lot of ideas to try and keep this blog interesting, transformation pictures, recipes, some video posts. I‘m excited to chronicle this journey, to get to know a lot of you better, and to lose this freekin weight already!

Its gonna be a fun ride

nh .

2008-12-29T21:32:00.001-08:00

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